like a two-by-four to the heart.

I have obviously been having a very difficult past 2 and a half months, and I have sank into a very deep depression that I have just seem to live with I guess, I have not tried to seek counseling, and pretty much just leave my friendships up to my friends.

I don't really know how many of them will put up with it, But I just don't know how to be a good friend anymore, Ive hit rock bottom so fucking hard it has left me paralyzed.

Today I thought I would try and do something for my mom and Alicia and get my mom's massage room back in order, so they could both start working out of it, That room was Monique's for awhile, It was meant so she could have piece and quiet when she came home from the hospital, I didn't want the computer or my sleeping patterns to keep her up at night, I kept meaning to move her bed back in our room when she got a little better, But I'm lazy. She died before I ever got the chance, that room doesn't have a bed in it, But it does have all her pajamas and a mess that's accumulated since her passing.

I started crying a few minutes into just sitting in the room and half way through organizing her stuff, before I knew it I was hysterical and still trying to fold her clothes, They smelled so much like her. I got up to try and calm myself down and checked my phone, and noticed my mom had called so I called her back and couldn't even get out words I was crying to bad, she rushed home and made me get out of the room. By the time I got to the couch I was having a panic attack and couldnt breathe, I eventually calmed down.

I told my mom I didn't think I could hurt much more, but that's when she said "honey it just hurts more sometimes, like a two-by-four to the heart"

ambition, sorry but I have none

I'm over sleeping, over eating, and doing less then ever.

I hate leaving my house, I hate getting ready, I hate making plans.

as Long as I can see Alicia, Leigh and Nathan I'm just fine.


I keep trying to get myself to go sit at java with a book, but just the thought makes me want to crawl in bed, I used to go to java at least 3 nights a week and now I'm barley there once a month, if that.







I'm sorry I have no ambition, I'm sorry I'm so useless.

I just can't cope with the loss of Monique, It has taken me down, and I don't seem to have the strength to get back up.


I'm sorry Monique, I know you always thought I could take on the world, But you were my world, so what's left to take on?

sing me to sleep.

sometimes I sleep so long I have to get out of bed because my body starts to ache, its telling me that sleeping 14 hours straight is not ok.


But I want it to be ok, I want to sleep so I don't have to face reality

But now even sleep is starting to hurt.

Cause I can hardly see,What's in front of me these days

I woke up today with that lifeless feeling again, one good day always leads to a horrible day, were I just feel completely drained and empty.

I think I have a horrible problem. I'm sure I'm in need of professional help, But I always think about monique, usually all the good times, but then there are the bad, when I was mean to her, when I saw her lifeless body for the first time in the i.c.u. I remember holding her hand till it got cold and the already immense pain I already felt got even more painful,and then there was seeing her all dolled up, but still dead laying in her casket, god she glowed, with her soul organs and blood gone she fucking glowed. Then there is watching her casket get lowered and having to walk away from her and know I would never be able to see her face again, only in my memory and photo's but that's not fucking good enough anymore.

I have a hard time going to the cemetery because all I can think about is her body down there, and what it looks like now, what her face looks like now, It terrifies me. I hate knowing I will never be able to put my arms around her again, She left her body behind to rot underground.

so when I die, what am I gonna see? who is Monique now? will I still be able to wrap my arms around her? If I do, I promise you this time I'm never letting go.

yeah you're okay with me.

I don't feel like much of anything since I lost Monique, But my friends have stuck by me, and made me feel like I am something, And sometimes I wonder why, because I don't even like me, I hate being Amber, I want to be Amber and Monique again, But I guess I have to go through the rest of this life as just....Amber

I'm mean now, I'm angry and bitter and depressed, I kick girls in the shin. Today someone I didn't meet till after Monique's passing told me that he thinks he really likes me, Ive never been told that before, I'm not the girl that gets all the guys so this is new for me, But I want to try, Ive been pushing people away my entire life, and Monique always thought that was a bad quality in me, so maybe I should try and change it. For some reason this guy finds interest in this new me, Too bad he couldn't have met me before. I liked that Amber a lot better.


I'm really scared at trying to get to know someone at this point in my life.

and I really want to talk to Monique.... you know a real face to face conversation, and not none of this talking to the air bullshit.

por vida

I need to realize that it's not just any Tattoo, It's a promise Monique, Alicia and I made to each other.

I never thought I'd be so weak I would think its ok to just give up on such a good friendship, I will do everything I can to keep whats left of me and Alicia together, I got my feelings hurt last night, and was afraid it was just gonna go un-noticed, But She apologized to me, and that meant so much to me. I don't expect much, just honesty and love, and she gave me just that.

I love you Alicia, I know our friendship has taken a major fall with the loss of Monique, But we can keep this together.

I can't see life without you, It would make not having Monique even more painful. And I really don't think I can take much more Pain.

The beginning of the end.

I have a bad feeling my friendship of 10 years with Alicia is ending, I don't want to lose my best friend, But I don't want to have to fight to keep it together, I can't. I don't want to have to pretend to be ok with certain people.


I would never put myself around people who degrade my friends, and I had hoped they wouldn't put themselves around people who have degraded me and monique, but I guess that's asking to much.


I'm sorry Monique, I hope your not feeling this pain too.