My body aches,and it hurts to say....

I'm disappointing even myself now.


I'm the one not trying.

I could have gotten out of the house, seen some friends, But I'm not.






I am pushing everyone away, AGAIN.

5:22am

I can't sleep, I'm tired.


I was trying to sleep, and couldn't and as I layed there with my eyes open staring into the darkness of my room, I started crying, I cry all the time, but these tears surprised even me.

I was laying there trying to come up with ideas of stuff to do, maybe try and have another kick back, go out to the bar when I have some money, plan new tattoo ideas, stuff that I would enjoy.

and before My mind could tell me that none of that stuff will ever bring me true happiness again, my tears did.

I'm a living breathing heartbroken mess.

Monique Marie Rosaz.

man, were do I begin...

Monique was a daughter, sister and a best friend.

She was the friend who would sit and listen to boy troubles, enjoy a good meal and some root beer, inspire her friends to write, to paint to keep going for gold. She was a creative and artistic beauty who could inspire you just by her newest thrift store find. She was one of a kind (even though she had another half, me) I will never be her. We were two totally different people who shared the same face.

She loved and loved throughout her entire life she loved everyone in there own special way, because Love may be one word, but it has so many different forms.

She is irreplaceable , and has left so many of us with a piece of our heart gone and a whole that will never be filled.

she loved.
Art.
getting tattooed.
books.
movies.
Memories.
late nights.
Morrissey.
her familia&friends.
Beards&mustaches.
cameras.
Polaroids.
owls.
rosy cheeks.
robots.
sharks.
thrift stores.
Oral exchange of sentiments, observations, opinions, or ideas.
Streetlights.
pinky promise's.
(the above list was from her myspace, I will now make my own list of stuff I know she loved)
Pink nail polish.
wearing little shorts and boots.
old lady clothes.
Nike's.
chicken nuggets.
making her friends smile and laugh.
the color GOLD.
sitting in the front seat.
being the car dj.
playing her favorite song of a certain cd over and over again.
roadtrips.
soda.
green tea.
burts bee's chapstick.
target.
pbr.
rossi
wearing to much blush
drawn on brows
cat eyed eyeliner
learning new things
listening....

(that list will be added as I remember more through out my life)

She wanted to get her throat tattooed and she wanted Alicia to be the one to do it.

She wanted to go to boston and meet bearded babes, She wanted to be loved for everything she was and nothing less.

She wanted to live her life doing what she loved.

She just wanted to be happy and loved.

As a sister I know I played the older sibling role alot, But I just wanted to keep her safe and out of harms way, If something or someone hurt her I hurt, I would have done anything to make her happy and safe.

Monique,

I'm sorry I sheltered you, I hope you know you were always gold in my eyes.
I cherished you and loved you for everything you were, I still do. I miss your hugs your advise, your love, your laughs. I will never be whole again, You have taken half my heart, and that's ok, I wouldn't want anyone else to have it.

You are always with me.

Aptos

I can honestly say, being in aptos at the beach I last visited with Monique, I felt true happiness, for the first time since I lost her.

It wasn't because I was drunk, It wasn't just my particular company.

It was because for the first time in a very long time, I felt her presence, like as if she was sittining next to me taking photo's and drinking some rossi,

I don't feel her in my house, and that hurts

But I felt her here, all day, even as the sun set.

"hey, were is Monique at?"

So last night I decided to go visit Alicia at Java, I was feeling ok after My Bunco Victory.

I sat in the same place I usually sit and chatted with Alicia while she had time, It was nice. I had missed her, I could tell she was happy to see me.

and I noticed someone who We used to work with at Spirit Halloween and my first thought was "fuck, I hope she doesn't come over here". Well she did, and of coarse right after asking how I was, she said to me "Hey, were is Monique at?" The last time someone asked me that I was drunk, This time I was completely defenseless and fuck it hurt, I literally felt my heart stop and found it hard to catch my breath and muster up the words, it took me a good minute to actually say the words.

After I said it, I found it physically impossible to go in to detail and the girl completely understood.

I didn't let it ruin my night, I ended up running into my brother who dragged me to the bar next door and ran into some friends, which was good for me, to be out arounf people I care about.

I wonder how many time's I'm gonna have to keep telling people, that she gone.

I don't think my heart could take much more, It hurts.

lost in a memory.

Morrissey

Today I was sitting on my computer, and decided I felt like updating my Myspace song, so my first choice was Morrissey, I picked a song I haven't really listened to in awhile and played it, and I felt a bit of joy, just listening to the song, and It felt good to know that Morrissey can still do that for me.


I realized today that I am completely content with not really leaving my house, sleeping 14 hours, doing chores, helping my mom with her laundry, I hate summer and My house has central air, why leave? I'm ok with MAYBE going out once or twice every few weeks to catch up with some friends. And I know Leigh and Alicia will just come over to my house and watch a movie or four hours of how I met your mother. I'm sure that this probably isn't healthy, But I don't care, I realize how much anxiety I get when I go out. I feel more comfortable in my house.

I am becoming more and more of a recluse each day, I was never like this.

But I'm not the same Amber anymore, I like staying in and keeping to myself.