farwell.

It's been almost 2 years and there is nothing to be said, that hasn't been said before.

it all sounds the same.

I go to bed, I miss her.
I wake up, I miss her.
I wash wash my face, I miss her.
I put on my makeup, I miss her.
I go to work, I miss her.
I take the bus, I miss her.
I listen to music, I miss her.
I spend paychecks, I miss her.
I regret, I miss her
I drink wine, I miss her.
I smoke weed, I miss her.
I save whiskey bottles. I miss her





I'm tired, I miss her...

consummation of grief.

alone with everybody.

I don't know how much longer I can keep fooling myself into believing that all this booze I drink, and the tattoos Ive been saving for are making me happy.

I wake up everyday just wishing she was still here.

Chasing my damage.

I can't make it through a week of work without feeling completely defeated, I think that has a lot to do with my confidence in myself. Ive been feeling bummed about friendships, and lately Ive been really trying to fool myself into believing that I'm not lonely. My mind drifts off to Monique and all I can think about is what life would be like if she was still here...

But at the end of it all, I can at least say I have a job, and now I have been given my own department, Watch out Jewelry, handbags, suits/dress. I'm taking over. I really hope I can do as good as they seem to think I can.

nine years.

I was 15 the first time I experienced my first death of a loved one, He was my grandfather. My fathers father, a great man who loved his family with his whole heart and treated us granddaughters like queens. Those 9 years have since taken with them my Father, Grandmother and Sister. These 9 years have changed me, taken so much hope, and love and at times have left me feeling like nothing but a shell of what was once a person. Friends have come and gone, a Family that were once so tightly bonded has since completely turned against each other, Most of the time I feel like Ive completely lost all hope. But then I remember there love, and know that they are gone. But the love I have for them will always remain, and grow. I will continue to carry them with me, and though often I lose sight of everything and want to bury myself beneath my bed and make it my grave. I will continue to pick myself up, and hold on, Because I know that they have given me the kind of strength that will always remain with me

beware those who seek constant crowds; the are nothing alone.

As long as they never forget her, it will make forgetting me a little less painful.
I'm here but just some distant memory, being alone is a struggle, I slowly feel all of my friends slipping away. I need to stop making myself feel like I'm not enough. It's time to focus on me, and my well being. I'm the only person who can get me through this. I miss Monique,but I keep feeling like I'm just letting everyone down, especially her.

I was born to hustle roses down the avenues of the dead.

My brother showed up out of nowhere, and thought it would be okay to just pretend like nothing ever happened. He needed a place to stay while he tried to get in touch with his ex, who he loves so much. He didn't bother to apologize for smashing my room and breaking my spirit. He barley acknowledged me and my mom, I knew he was just using us because he's burned all his bridges, But this time was different, I knew I couldn't just let him back into my life again, as much as I wish I could have a relationship with him. I know that he would just hurt me, and I can't let him do that anymore. My mom is the only person who could tell to go, and after a week of me pleading with her, she finally drove him to the train. She finally realized he had no intention of trying to make good with us, he just wants his ex back, and we are the only people he knows he could walk all over to get whatever he wants. Not anymore though.

The feeling of wanting my brother to just leave town is horrible when it's combined with the feeling of wishing everyday for my sister to be here, I feel like a horrible sibling and can't understand why I can't just be grateful to have my brother, even though he hurts me. It's something that tears at my heart everyday.

I wish you were apart of my life, I miss you.

soon enough.

Eventually the miserable caught up with me, But it's not complete misery. Just the un avoidable downfall that is my life. I am once again having to see another person in my life slowly fade away, this time it's dementia. Even though my Nana and I have never had the bond like the one I had with my grandmother, I still love her very much and find it very difficult to watch her go through this. I know her memory will only get worse from here, and one day she might not even remember me.....

I don't really know were this post is going. but I just needed to vent. I haven't even started my first day and already I'm exhausted, Ive been pulled out of my comfortable little world, it's scary.


baby steps.....

I was looking for a job, and then I found a job....

But heaven knows I'm not miserable yet...

Getting a job is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time.

19months

The 28th is a date the will forever will be burned in my mind, I have been counting down the months from the beginning, and for the time being I will continue my countdown till were ever it leads.

But today was by far the most positive day Ive ever had since my countdown begun, I had a job interview, and I held my head up high and told the lady that time has stood still for the past year and half, But I'm ready for that to change, and I'm ready to work.

I know she was there, giving me strength.

finding comfort in depression.

Depression is really one emotion I know very well, so when I get stuck in a rather deep cycle of one, I can't help but find a little comfort from it. It's always been there, It wont go away. Sometimes I can hide from it for a little while, but sooner or later it finds me. Ive been trying to fool myself that it's just summer induced, and that maybe the fall will bring with it better days, but I guess only time will tell.

for now, I will continue over sleeping, and getting lost in my memories.

A plausible finish.

I started writing in this blog April 9 2009, since then it has been a place I pour my heartache, loss and emptiness onto, as of now it holds a year 3 months and 3 days worth of writing. It has shown some signs of hope, but it always ends in defeat. I have a broken heart that will always show it's cracks. Ive tried my best to keep my head above water, keep my friendships from falling off and gain some kind of consistency in life, and still currently am. I'm losing hope with just about everything again, and these blank pages just don't satisfy me anymore.

I just want to be able to exist in the world, and not just the 4 walls of my bedroom.

I'm so lost without you.

I didn't really lose you, I just lost it for awhile.

It's seems like I always fall back into my place of uncertainty, I think that I can make it, But sometimes that feels like a joke, one date can send me into mental overdrive and it feels like my heart is being ripped out all over again, a year and a half...... I know I have done pretty decent for what Ive been through, but I want so much to be better, to fee like I actually have something to offer everyone, but I don't feel I do and that always leaves me feeling like a failure. I wish I could be the daughter my moms deserves, the friend that all my friends deserves, a sister my brother wouldn't want to hurt, and that girl that the boy I like could actually be around without a group of friends and some substance to make it okay.

on my last visit to the cemetery I laid on the grass and thought of Monique laying there with me, and I spoke softly "I love you Mo, and I'm sorry" I have never been to good with just talking to her now that she's gone, but lately writing her is even a challenge, I wish I could really know that my words are reaching her.

I still wonder if it will ever get easier, if time will ever really heal this, so far I'm defeated, but still hopeful.

your hand in mine

I haven't been sleeping well, it's like my mind is on constant overdrive. I don't know what it will take to shut it off, or just make it slow down so I can get some rest.

I wish I could actually type what I was feeling, but lately I can't even do that.

Maybe I'll find my way back here with some real emotions soon, who knows?

I'm tired

can't sleep, anxiety, stress, bad dreams.

I wish I could just make it all stop for awhile.

Bring me your love

Ive lost my way, again. My body aches and I feel like I'm losing that little hope that I was determined to not lose grip of, The past few nights Ive been dreaming of Monique, I wake up feeling defeated and spending hours trying to fall back asleep in hopes to find her again, or I just lie in bed trying to my best to remember every second we spent together in the land of my sleep, "Hey Amber I have to tell you something, but you can't tell anyone" my response was to simply hold out my pinky, and the second we locked our promise I woke up, I rolled over, put on my glasses and looked at her photo, and just thought, why did you abandon me?

these things take time.

I like to believe that during the day she is at the beach taking photo's of the tide, and when the sun sets she is out capturing all the colors in the sky, and finally when night falls and the moonlight shines bright she is out wondering the sidewalks, photographing streetlights. In those moments when I think of this, I find happiness.

Because if she is happy, I am too.

screams from the balcony.

I miss Monique, I say it all the time, but it's true. I find when the slightest something goes wrong in my life, the sting of her absence intensifies and It leaves me paralyzed with loneliness. I fool myself into believing that I'll be ok as long as I keep busy and spend as much time with my friends as I can, but there are times when friends aren't around and I don't want to keep busy, and then I find myself in my empty house, walking from room to room, and sighing with discontent, because I can't find comfort in being alone like most. I miss her presence, her voice, I miss the other half I was born with. This house feels sad, it too longs for her life to dwell between these walls.

empty words

Ive turned into an epic fool, and I only have myself to blame.

Mario Jose Rosaz Sr.

It's been 6 years since I said goodbye to you, I'm nothing I thought I'd be, I'm nowhere I wanted to be, But I still hope to make you proud, one day. I love you Dad.

I'm not ready to forgive you.

I don't know if I'll ever fully understand why the ones we love, sometimes hurt us beyond imagination. I don't know when I'll ever be able to fully hold my head up high, because of hateful words spoken from the mouth of someone who has the same blood as I running through his veins. I even changed my phone number, as defeated as he has made me, I still hold on to the hope that one day he could be the Brother I wish to have.

Today at the mall my aunt was talking to a sales girl at Macy's about her tattoo's, when I asked her were she got them, she walked up to me grabbed my arm and told me she was in the same recovery program as my sister, She had known what happened, and said sorry, she looked so sad, When I left she hugged me, and she was crying. The way she looked at me broke my heart, I knew she saw her in me, and even though we didn't really talk about anything, I know what that look meant, just one glance and I was able to tell that Monique affected her life, in those 28 days they spent trying to find themselves.

god, I miss her.

in a sense I will be speaking, just to you.

I'm all alone chasing my memory, everyone is moving but me. I wish I could pick up the phone and call Monique. I try so hard to wonder what she would say to me, what she would want for me, happiness. Ive learned that I can't force feed myself false hope or happiness, I never have been a good lair, not even to myself. I felt like for a while there I was getting my footing, waking up at a decent hour in the morning, not laying in bed for hours with covers over my face, working out, trying to manage my anxiety and depression, I haven't completely lost it yet, but I'm starting to stumble, lose my balance. Staying up till the sun rises and not moving till 3pm, anxiety is creeping up and depression is looming. I wonder how long I will keep wondering for?


p.s

My brother is back in town, and I'm scared.

Happy Birthday, Monique.

growing older alone, is weird. I miss you.

April spawned two monsters.

This year Ive decided to celebrate Mine and Mo's birthday like we used to, big and fabulous. I know it wont be the same, But It's something I thought I'd do to honor her memory. I must admit this Month has made me quite emotional, and at times angry. This afternoon I found myself sitting on my bed wishing I had never been born a twin, because maybe then I wouldn't feel like there was this huge gaping hole in my heart. That's a horrible thought to have, I know. Ive had the worst headache all day because I spent hours last night trying on my birthday outfit to realize that pretty picture in my mind did not reflect in the mirror, and suddenly I no longer have a fancy birthday outfit, and I thought "god damnit Monique, you are supposed to be sitting on the bed helping me!" I will get through all this stress and emotions, and I will have a happy birthday.

atleast that's what I keep telling myself.

bottom of the world.

I need another place, will there will peace.


I need another world, this ones nearly gone.


The daily absence of Monique's physical presence is once again weighing me down, leaving me with that lost at sea drowning, I can't catch my breath feeling.

Violent life.

March went out with a bang, literally. My brother got out of jail March 22 and it didn't take long for his manic ways to surface, I tried my best explaining how lucky he was to not be in jail and how I hoped he could get his life on a a better path. By Wednesday he was shouting and late Friday night he showed up drunk and angry, He was in my moms face saying horrible things I tried getting him out of her room and he started pushing me around and when he attempted to throw a beer bottle at me I told home "go ahead give me another reason to hate you" he freaked and grabbed me, he wouldn't let me go and and finally got out of his grip, he then proceeded to put holes in my moms bedroom walls the hallway and smash to very nice photo's we had framed, one being of Monique. I called the cops but my mom didn't have the courage to press charges. I told him I didn't care how long he ended up in jail for this time as long as he stayed away from me. The cops took him to the drunk tank but warned us he would be out in 6 hours. I cried myself to sleep that night because the only person who could get me through a night like that was Monique, and I felt her loss, even more. I didn't get much sleep, and woke up with a uneasy feeling. I checked my phone and noticed I had a voicemail, it was my brother telling me I fucked up and he was gonna come back and get even then he proceeded to tell me I was nothing to him but a dumb, stupid, bitch ass whore. I didn't really know what to do, my mom called me from work and told me I'd be ok, that he usually stays away after he fucks up. Well she was wrong and about and hour later he shows up banging on the door. He said he just needed to get his keys and phone so I unlocked the door and ran to my room. He chased me and I tried holding the door closed but his might was greater than mine, I just started backing away and he started grabbing whatever he could get his hands on and smashing it, I was paralyzed with fear, unsure of what he could do. I just had my hands up pleading for him to stop, after he was done he ran out the house leaving me standing around what was left of my room, he smashed my computer stand, threw my computer, pulled a fan out of the wall and swung it at me, picked up my floor heater and tried hitting me with it, smashed one mirror by standing on top of it and jumping up and down, and smashed another with a shoe while I was standing right next to it.

I was shaking and alone, It took a few seconds for it all to sink in but once it did I cried so hard I puked. I crawled onto my bed and hid under my blankets until my mom got to the house. after all was said and done the cops came, we pressed charges and got a restraining. Chances of him actually having to do jail time is slim.

Ive been saying "this is the last time he will hurt me" so many times I lost count, after I lost my sister I really hoped I could somehow work on my brother and mines very damaged relationship, but I feel all hope is lost with this one, he constantly cries about how horrible his life was, but I don't think he's ever stopped to see what he's done to my life, he is my brother he is supposed to protect and love me. I really can't say if we will ever be able to be brother and sister again, as if now I have cut him from my life, and if I have to I will change my phone number, just the thought if this kills me. But I don't know another way. He needs to realize his actions have consequences.

He has taken so much from me, in 5 minutes he took what was once mine and Monique's and smashed it, now when I wake up I don't see the room we once shared, but I see my new bookshelf, computer desk and laptop. all of which I'm grateful for, but it's just not the same. I feel so cheated, and broken.

and even though he hurt me, I still think about him and wonder were he is or if he is safe, because I know one day he could die, and I will have to live with the fact that I cut him out of my life, when he was still alive.

sing me to sleep.

I wish I could say that my brother getting out of jail is a good thing, but I'd be lying if I did. All my mom ever wanted for her children was to be happy, she never pushed college or careers, and yet why are we still failing her. Some people grow up feeling like disappointments because they didn't achieve the goals that there parents set, those big shiny goals that were never pushed on me.My mom never set the standard high so why can't we achieve this happiness she wants?

I haven't given up completely yet, sometimes that surprises me. I really hope that eventually I can say " I'm happy, mom", and for it not to feel like a lie.

I'm sorry.

I got a phone call this afternoon from my mom and the first thing she said was "have you seen your brother today?" my heart sank because I knew whatever was to follow was not gonna be good. At 12:30 this afternoon my brother was arrested for trashing the corner store by were he lives, he was drunk and high and out of his mind... I knew that this was gonna happen someday, he's been so manic lately, but I still wasn't prepared for it. I'm not exactly sure what the outcome of this will be, but there is a possibility that today's actions and what happened on last month, could add up to be his third strike, and that means prison.

As much as I fight with my brother, I have always held on to the hope that he could turn his life around, if he ends up in prison I'm afraid that's it for him, and that breaks my heart... How am I supposed to work on our relationship while he's behind bars, it's so unfair. I lost my sister to death and I'm so afraid that I'm gonna lose my brother to Prison.

My mom doesn't not deserve this life, she has one child in the ground, and one behind bars. If there is any reason to get my life together she is it, I need to make something of myself for her.

Nostalgia

I miss everyday I ever had with her still alive.

no use for a title

My mom's ex apparently filmed the release of the balloons at Monique's funeral, it's been over a year and today my mom came home with the dvd, it had two parts on it but my mom said the first was nothing and we watched the second, it was blurry and not much in focus, I really thought it would just be directed at the sky, but the main focus was the sea of black surrounding the hole in the ground. Tonight before I was gonna go to bed I put on the dvd again and decided to check out the first part because I just had this weird feeling that it had something on it, well I was right.... I guess rick decided to film the lowering of the casket. I just stood there staring at the tv for what felt like forever watching it all over again, my heart racing, you can hear sobbing from my mom and Melina.... staring at that white casket knowing it held the remains of Monique, it took me back to that day. Just knowing she was still near me, and thinking back to now, this emptiness. I miss Monique so much, that I can't even find the words I'm really searching for, they don't even exist.

something is squeezing my skull.

here I am again, in this place Ive been to since I was, oh I don't even know I can't even remember how old I was the first time I got into a fight with my brother. Our relationship as brother and sister has been a very angry verbally and physically abuse one, mostly all on his part, As I got older I learned to stand up for my self but that of coarse just made/makes things worse, Monique always lived through the worst of it, but we both grew up being called fat, ugly whores, calling us bitches was probably the nicer of names. It wasn't something that happened 24/7. but it's happened enough, The last big fight my brother and I had was a month before Monique died, I didn't speak to him again until that day at the hospital, this past year we have tried to re build our relationship, but I'm starting to realize you can't re build something that was never really there. Lately my brothers life has taken another downward spiral, It happens alot for him, He's obviously dealing with his own issues, and he's been rather manic lately to say the least. Tonight after one of his many ramblings I finally had to disagree when he said "you understand what I'm sayin nigga" I said no and tried explaining to him what I feel, how it's not ok to verbally abuse our mom on the daily because of his past issues with her, to constantly bring up our parents past drug issues dad's been dead for 6 years and mom's been sober for almost 24 years, I think they both get it now, I wish he could just take life from the now, own up to his current mistakes, stop trying to lie to himself and everyone else. He doesn't like the truth so he didn't like anything I had to say. It's unfair to tell me I'm the one who's going to hell, when he's the one trying to hide from shit he can't even talk about. There's so much hate and anger in his eyes, it's scary. The difference between us, is I don't deny the truth.

I did push everyone away and close the door behind me to hide in my room, and my dad did raise him more than he raised me, but it still hurt having it thrown in my face.

I'm going to be 24 years old soon, I don't know if we'll ever be able to have the brother sister relationship that I want for us. I don't know what to do anymore, and as much as I will always love him, I don't know how much more of this I can take.

high

i don't know where i'm going, but i'm gone, gone, gone.


for tonight, anyways.

March 9th 2009

I remember this day vividly, getting up early, ripping my fishnets and standing there crying while one of my friends sewed them back up. That long drive to the church, standing in front of a packed room reading a poem to Monique because I didn't have the courage to write my own words, running to my purse so I could get a little bottle of whiskey to give her as my final gift before they closed her casket for the last time,watching those sad faces put bright orange FUNERAL stickers on there cars, staring at the hearse the entire way to the cemetery..... I remember looking around seeing so many people, Ive never seen that many people at a cemetery before.. I kissed her casket good bye before they lowered her into the ground. After everyone sent balloons in the air with wishes to Monique, I stood there, forever just staring at the ground she was now residing in, I looked up and everyone was gone, except for Alicia, Leigh, Adri, Miles and Robin. They stood there and waited while I just stared down at the ground. I finally told them they were gonna have to tell me when to go, because I could not make the decision to walk away, I just wanted to jump in the hole with her and let cover me with the soil too... eventually someone grabbed my arm and walked me to the car, I can still feel that feeling I had, that day.

1 year underground

when you left
you took almost
everything.

Waiting....

for someone that is never coming back, for a happiness that may not exist, to feel good again. Lately I find myself waiting in that empty space in my heart, just sitting there trying to gather my self, I wait and wonder. I think about Monique every day, and when I think about life with her, and then back to this current life,it's still so intense of a pain I feel without her, can anyone see the gaping hole in me? sometimes it feels that way. Sometimes I wish I was a better liar, I wish I didn't talk to much, maybe then I wouldn't be so lonely, maybe then certain people would have stuck around and I would have someone to watch t.v with me till 3am, or someone to drink 40oz with and listen to music. Someday I want to leave my house and not be afraid of what someone sees when they look at me, to be able to hold my head up high, and not get lost staring at the ground, missing the world that's going on right before me.


My bedroom window is open and I find the sound of the wind moving the trees about comforting, I think I'm gonna crawl in bed with Bukowski and rest my mind for now.

how is your heart?

My hearts still beating. Today I took a walk, I put on my mp3 player that has some Smiths and Morrissey, and started my journey. The weather was fairly cool and there was a nice breeze, 5 minutes in I was already in my own world, I had about 30 minutes with just me, the sidewalk and sky, I'm gonna be ok. Someday, and I will wait and wait until that day arrives.

stay away.

Somehow I fooled myself into believing that this would work out, that I wouldn't end up hurt.....

1 year

There are no words to describe what I'm feeling.

hell and high tide.

I've once again slipped into a depression so deep I swear It's gonna drown me to death, I don't want to be in this kind of place. Tuesday I decided to start working out again, I wish I could afford the luxuries of a gym like a few of my friends. But I am still unemployed so that's out of the question, it's easy for me to get caught up in feeling bad for myself, poor me I can't go the the gym, or afford a trainer, poor me it's been weeks (and for some months) since Ive seen certain friends, Poor me I don't even have my shitty house cleaning job. I feel like a failure in every aspect of my life, I don't even know what made me think I could throw a boy into the mix.....If I try and take all this on at one time I will just continue to drown. So back to baby steps, I really hate working out, my entire body aches from depression, so I have to push myself, but getting three days done actually feels kinda good, and I'm taking a multivitamin. Who knows how long I can keep this up, but hopefully it can become part of my daily routine, and then soon I can start to gradually add in other stuff, work on my friendships, start volunteering as a teachers aide so my resume is not as dead as my work history. I don't want to get in over my head and If I look back at my many failed attempts I will just doubt myself (because Ive tried this before) but look were I ended up? DEPRESSED again. Sometimes I wonder how many times I have to fall before I take flight on my life again.

It's probably better I started this before Sunday, I can feel that day, it's burned in my brain, but maybe Monday morning(most likely afternoon) I can get out of bed and work out, and try to somehow get though another year without Monique.

trampled rose

When I first started this Blog it was the place I came too to find comfort in my loneliness, I think sharing it with the world was a bad idea, because I'm no writer, I'm just a sad girl looking for a place to release all the mess that's in my mind and broken heart. I don't mind that people read it, but I have found myself posting less and less because I don't want to burden anyone with my grief, But I'm still grieving and always will be, and I write when I'm at my worst because it helps me, I don't know how long I will continue to update this place with my life's mess, but here I go.

The majority of this month has been majorly bad, Ive been counting down days, weeks and months since the moment she was gone, not really knowing what I'm counting towards. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11......February hit and since then Ive been consumed with more pain, and as these weeks have progressed I find myself bursting into tears while doing simple tasks such as sweeping the floor and washing dishes, the change in weather reminds me of her, I think about this month last year, watching her get weaker and not knowing why, she died with no answers, and even though we eventually got some, they were not enough, but I guess nothing will ever be enough. I knew this would be a challenge, but fuck. Sometimes I find myself wondering if this is it for me, if I will die feeling this alone, a few friends stuck around(thank you), I'm still sad to see one of my friendships go, sometimes I wonder if he even misses her, and why it was so easy to walk away from me, because Its not like Ive completely given up on life. But my few attempts to better myself seemed to go unnoticed and all anybody ever seems to really see is my worst. With the loss of my sister it took just about all of my confidence, I still find myself looking in the mirror trying to find myself past my eyes, but all I see is a stranger, maybe that's why some of my friendships got lost, maybe they don't even see me anymore.

Steven Patrick Morrissey

Thank you for getting me through the past 8 years of my life

Lonely lonely that is me

Ive been so unbelievably lonely this past week ....(month...months?)it's adding up, waking up to an empty house, spending the day alone, making dinner and eating it alone. Sitting in my room alone. I really try to except it, and even try enjoying it. But fact is, I'm not used to being alone, I never thought I'd have to be. Monique was supposed to be in my life forever, and lately I'm becoming very discontent with my loneliness

don't you know I love you..

Ive lost count of how many times Ive woken up from a dream thinking Monique was still alive, they play cruel tricks on my mind, playing out her death as if it's just some life lesson, I woke up this morning just wanting to hug her, to put my arms around her and not let go, but by the time I opened my eyes and put on my glasses, I knew that was something that wouldn't be happening anytime soon. Sometimes I find it impossible to keep going, I just want to give my sister a fucking HUG, not visit a cemetery. This month is breaking my heart some more, I can feel the weight of time and it's taking me down.

self doubt

I still find myself waking up with my bad dreams getting the best of me. I just talk in circles, I'm gonna be 24 years old soon and I don't have much to show for my life, a high-school diploma, a series of shitty retail jobs, about 3 years of unemployment and one big broken heart. anxiety is constant, maybe if I could be more confident in myself I'd have more to show, but I keep coming up short, oversleeping and accomplishing almost nothing is basically how you can sum me up.

when will I find my sliver lining, when will I not want to end a day curled up in bed with the blankets over my head trying to pretend it was all just a lie? it's gonna be a year soon, I think it's time I stop trying to fool myself.

hey

I feel like my friendships are starting to crumble from the weight of my heavy heart. Some already have, as more time passes I feel the cracks forming in more of them. I just want to be happy,People in my life deserve so much more than what I give them. I want to be more, to love more, to feel like I deserve more.

carrying such a heavy heart is making me weak, I can feel it's toll on my mind and body.

You were good in your time

"Let the heart rest
Lay back your head
You were good in your time
And we thank you

You made me feel less alone
You made me feel not quite so
Deformed, uninformed and hunchbacked

Time takes all breath away
You were good in your time
And we thank you so, so...

You said more in one day
Than most people say
In a lifetime, it was our time
And we thank you

An end-of-the-ride sigh
Your soft smile says
"Please understand, I must surrender"

Then you grip with your hand
Now so sworn in mine
Are you aware, wherever you are,
That you have just died?"-Morrissey

This song makes me think of the last time I spent with Monique, except in reality it was not that calm and beautiful. But if I could go back in time knowing I couldn't save her heart from stopping, I would have simply sang her this song.

I know I haven't been writing much, I used to write every single day. now it's a few time a month, it's funny how fast time goes, and it leaves you stopped in your tracks looking for it. Today is February 1st. in 27 days it will be marking the one year anniversary of Monique's passing. I have yet to really start living again. I once read in some pamphlet about loss how this lady lost her brother and she wrote that time healed her and after a year the pain no longer brought her to her knees. I know that that was not telling me that in a year I will be fine, but that eventually in my time I will be. I really don't know when the pain of it all will stop "bringing me to my knees" Because when I really think about it all, really focus on the fact that my sister is dead, and buried 6ft underground, it feels like two hands ripping through my chest scraping the last of the love from heart.

11 months.

An Uncomfortable Routine

Denial and Isolation.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.
Ive lived the last 5 1/2 years balancing just that. I question weather there will ever be a point in my life were I am not grieving, I highly doubt it most of the time. I will always grieve for those that hold so much of my heart. After my dad died I threw myself into life, mostly for Monique, I knew I had to take care of her, and I tried my best to, and It felt good, she in time did just the same for me. After she died I completely took myself out of life, to the point were I had people pleading for me to "not take my own life" never did I say I was, But I later found out my face said more than I ever could, or would. My highs through this past year are credited to all the wonderful people that literally held me up, got me out of bed, or just simply laid it in with me. I so badly want to make everyone proud. I'm told constantly how much potential I have, but I just can't see it yet. I used to think I could take on the world, now most days it feels like the world is taking me. It's frustrating, to lack so much confidence in myself, it's disgusting. I was a part of this wondrous set and all I ever did was bitch if you called me "the twins", because I was my own damn person. I guess I never stopped to think how it would feel to really be just me. Maybe I should have. But I can't go back now. I somehow need to find that strong person I was, but I so easily get lost. I'm tired of being lost, I'm tired of being tired.

fear

I was once told that after losing so much, you don't fear much. That doesn't apply to me. I'm terrified.

10monthsand18days.

all I can say today, is I miss her.

sleeping with ghosts

Sometimes I wonder when my bad dreams started, or when they decided to get so personal, for years I just had the ones were I felt like I couldn't move or talk, especially during the moments I needed to most, but not they've turned way more personal and painful. My mind never finds rest from me, even when I sleep it's churning up nightmares of days Ive really lived, only I haven't. You know like plays o n reality, stuff changes but the meaning stays the same. When my dad died I can really only remember once waking up not really being able to grasp if he was dead or alive, I remember that being a horrible experience and after Monique died I dreaded that would happen again, it did. But not once all the time. I lost count of how many times I wake up looking around thinking "wait were is she?" my dreams make me believe that I just need to spend more time with her, they make think it was all a lie, just something to give me a push to be a better sister, so I wake thinking "find Monique and tell her you love her" only after a few seconds I realize it was not just a dream, it is reality. I wake all the time hoping for a fresh start but end up back in my cave alone.

I am grateful I have her in my dreams, no matter how horrible they get, but sometimes I wish they were more imaginary, you know like us hanging out and catching up, I could show her my new tattoos and talk about a boy. Those would be some good dreams.

weight of time.

I'm not sure what it is, but this new year is not starting as positive as I would have liked it to, I just have all these bad feelings I can't shake. It's intimidating to start of a new year, I feel like I have to live up to all the expectations, all of which I'm setting for myself, today was one of my ho hum days in particular. I was at dinner with my mom telling her I just did not feel good, it bothers me, especially because I had such a good night out before and had also just purchased my ticket home from Long Beach so I could go visit Alicia. I don't understand why I feel so down when I have so much good around me. well I do understand... I just hate realizing that my state of depression makes me feel so horrible. It makes me question what it will take to ever feel truly happy again.

I'm starting to feel old, But at least I can say Ive had a life well lived, but watching these days pass so fast fucking sucks. I want to be able to take care of my mom, have a good job. But I don't know when I will feel like I can actually concur such things. Whoever thought living would be so hard? I mean I never really thought that one day I would be struggling to enjoy the simple things in life. Looking at photos of Monique I find myself struggling, trying to take in every memory, because although she is always with me, I feel like the more time passes, the farther she feels, how can that be?

Are you ok now?

I feel like I need to rush myself, like my time to be sad is up and it's time to be happy. Whenever I go to church with my mom I can feel the eyes of some of the people begging me to throw my arms in praise and shout how god has come into my life and showed me the wonders of life. But sadly all they get is a hug and a nod from me saying "I'm ok". I remember when Monique died, and someone would ask me how I was all I wanted to do was pull out a knife and stab them in the chest and ask "that's how I am, how does it feel?" but that's not logical now is it? for quite a few months I could not even answer that question, but It's going on a year soon, and I feel the need to be able to answer that question honestly, because I hate lying. But I also hate having to tell someone over and over that I'm sad. I want to feel good again, I want to be happy. But sometimes that feels so distant from what's really going on. Lately the fear of going out is back, I'm starting to become way to comfortable in my cave of a room and all day naps are starting to sound so much better then looking for a job.

I just want to feel good again.......

I feel you here in my heart but sometimes I fall, I gotta crawl in the dark

I still find myself saying I'm 22, so I have a feeling turning that 9 into a 10 will be another new challenge. I took my self out my comfort zone for new years and I had a good time, roaming a house full of strangers with a jug of rossi accompanied by some good people. Being called Monique still takes my breath away. I can't hate the people who do it, I mean we were identical twins, you will always see her face in mine. I could recap 2009 but that would do me no good, It has proved itself as one of the most tragic years of my life. and that's all I have to say for it.

when I look back at all that Ive lost and all I still have I see myself has a lucky person, still. I may have lost more at my age than some will never know. But I also have so much more, I know some of the best people I have friends that are are worth there weight in gold and then some, I have the most amazing Mother, a beautiful home and wonderful family. I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.

I hope to make some progress in 2010 and to try and find a way to be happy again, I know it's gonna be a struggle and some days will seem as if I can't do it. But Ive made it this far, so why give up?